I never thought I’d be helping my mom bathe or spoon-feeding her applesauce at 39 years old, while also juggling my kids’ school schedules and trying to keep my freelance work afloat.
But life rarely gives us a heads-up.
When my mom’s health started to decline after a minor stroke, it was subtle at first. She forgot names. Missed appointments. Burned food she used to cook flawlessly. The woman who once juggled two jobs, volunteered at church, and babysat her grandkids was slowly… not herself.
As the only daughter living nearby, the responsibility of “helping out” fell on me. At first, it was just checking in daily. Then grocery shopping. Then doctor appointments. Then full-time care.
I loved my mom deeply, but nothing prepared me for how heavy caregiving would become—emotionally, physically, and financially.
When “Helping Out” Becomes Full-Time Care
What surprised me most was how fast things escalated. One week I was bringing her soup. The next I was trying to figure out how to pay for her medication because her bank account had overdrafted again.
My siblings lived out of state, and while they were supportive emotionally, the day-to-day landed squarely on me. It was around this time that I started asking myself:
“How is anyone supposed to do this without falling apart?”
We didn’t have a plan. No Power of Attorney. No living will. No idea what Mom would’ve wanted. And certainly no money set aside for this kind of care.
We Had No Estate Plan—And It Showed
Looking back, I wish we’d talked earlier. Estate planning always sounded like something rich people do—people with beach houses and investments and tax shelters.
We were just regular people.
But when I needed to make decisions about her care, manage her medications, and eventually pay her bills, I hit legal walls. I couldn’t access her accounts. I couldn’t talk to her insurance company. I couldn’t even refill prescriptions without jumping through hoops.
I didn’t know then what I know now:
Estate planning isn’t just about money. It’s about peace of mind.
A basic plan—including a Power of Attorney, a living will, and clear instructions—would’ve made this chapter of life easier for both of us. I didn’t want control of her life; I just wanted to take care of her the way she would’ve wanted.
“Estate planning doesn’t have to be expensive or complicated. For most families, creating a simple will, a healthcare directive, and a power of attorney can cost less than a weekend getaway—and it offers peace of mind that lasts a lifetime. It’s not just for the wealthy; it’s for anyone who wants to protect the people they love.”
— Lauren Silvers, P.A., Estate Planning Attorney in Florida
The Hidden Costs of Caregiving
As I took on more responsibility, I cut back on my freelance work. I missed PTA meetings. I started skipping meals and losing sleep. I even took a personal loan to cover some of her bills when her Social Security check didn’t stretch far enough.
And still, I didn’t see myself as a “caregiver.” I was just being a daughter.
It wasn’t until a nurse from her doctor’s office gently said, “You know, you’re doing the work of a home health aide. You should look into getting paid for this,” that I paused.
Getting paid? I thought only nurses or professionals could qualify for that.
Turns out, I was wrong.
Yes, You Can Get Paid as a Family Caregiver
That conversation opened a door I didn’t know existed.
I started doing research and found out that in many states, family members—especially adult children and even spouses—can be paid to care for a loved one. Through Medicaid waiver programs, state-run initiatives, or insurance coverage, there were real options.
Each state is different, but here are a few I learned about:
- CDPAP (Consumer Directed Personal Assistance Program) in New York lets the care recipient hire their own caregiver—even a family member.
- Some states have Structured Family Caregiving or Adult Foster Care programs that provide daily stipends for live-in family caregivers.
- Certain long-term care insurance policies even reimburse family caregivers if the right documentation is in place.
What’s the catch? You need to apply. And often, the care recipient must be eligible for Medicaid. But still—it was real. I wasn’t alone. And I could finally breathe a little.
What I Wish Every Mom Knew
If I could talk to every mom reading this post, I’d say this:
Please make a plan.
Even if you’re healthy. Even if you think it’s too early. Even if you think your kids will “figure it out.”
Give them a roadmap.
Write down who should make medical decisions if you can’t. Appoint a Power of Attorney. Make sure your will is up to date. Talk to an estate planning attorney—even if it’s just for an hour consultation.
Doing this now gives your children the tools they’ll need later. Trust me, future-you—and your family—will be so grateful.
Balancing Motherhood and Caregiving
As a mom myself, I couldn’t ignore the irony.
I was trying to care for the woman who raised me while raising my own kids. Sandwich generation, they call us. Except it didn’t feel like a cute metaphor—it felt like burnout.
Some days, I felt guilty for missing bedtime stories. Other days, I felt resentful that I had to turn down work again. Then I’d feel even guiltier for resenting it.
But then there were moments—quiet, beautiful ones—that reminded me why I was doing it. Holding Mom’s hand during a doctor’s appointment. Watching her smile as she listened to my daughter’s piano recital over FaceTime. Seeing her dignity preserved in the comfort of her own home.
Let’s Normalize Talking About This
Here’s what I’ve realized: there are so many of us doing this kind of care in silence.
We don’t call it “caregiving.” We just do what needs to be done.
But we deserve support. Financial, emotional, legal. We deserve to ask for help without shame. To talk about these transitions without fear or awkwardness.
Let’s normalize talking about estate planning—not as a scary legal task, but as a gift of love. Let’s talk openly about getting paid as a caregiver, because unpaid labor has value. And let’s be there for each other, as moms, daughters, friends, and women who carry more than our fair share.
Final Thoughts
My caregiving journey hasn’t been easy, but it has been one of the most meaningful seasons of my life.
If you’re in the thick of it—caring for a parent while raising your kids—please know you’re not alone. You are doing something incredibly sacred, even if it feels messy or unrecognized.
And if you’re not there yet, but your parents are aging, let this be your nudge: have the conversations. Make the plan. Prepare now.
You don’t have to walk through this unprepared like I did. Talk to an estate planning attorney. Look into local caregiver pay programs. Protect your parent—and yourself.
Because love deserves a plan.
And caregivers deserve support.
